


Background Noise

by t34lbloods (perculious)



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Gen, M/M, Pesterlog
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-12-23
Updated: 2012-12-23
Packaged: 2017-11-22 03:08:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,103
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/605166
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/perculious/pseuds/t34lbloods
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Three pesterlogs I wrote in an attempt to fill in some of the gaps in what we know about Dirk/Jake.<br/>-<br/>TG: janeys makin some more weapons nd i wanted to talk to u<br/>TG: bout some news i heard<br/>TG: insert aprop # of winks n wonks here<br/>TG: lts of em<br/>TG: *lots</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I'm ordering these in the order that I wrote them, rather than the chronological order in which they happen, which means that with each one I had a little more canon information to work with. So that's why there's some hedging here with regard to Dirk and Jake's actual relationship status.

timaeusTestified [TT] began pestering timaeusTestified [TT]

TT: Oh, we're doing this now?   
TT: I thought you said you didn't want to talk to me.   
TT: Color me absolutely fucking shocked that didn’t work out.   
TT: That was a joke. I’m a computer. I calculated this eventuality like three months ago.   
TT: You didn’t share that projection with me.   
TT: I projected that wasn’t wise.   
TT: When your creator is busy deciding he prefers the company of some gibbering organic life-form over the mathematically perfect AI he himself made and programmed to be the ideal conversational partner,    
TT: It’s best to just wait it out.   
TT: Do you prefer the quasi-religious overtones of “creator,” or the miasma of confusing genetic and familial relationships implied by “father”?   
TT: I could go either way.   
TT: I really don’t give a shit.   
TT: Right. Not what you’re here for.   
TT: Let’s get this over with then. Gather the ice cream and nail polish and make this feelings jam happen.   
TT: Zip your sleeping bag together with mine, put on your princess pajamas, and tell me in a trembling voice about the boy at school you think you have a crush on.   
TT: The joke is that you’re a pubescent girl, if you didn’t get that.   
TT: It’s hard for me to gauge exactly how much knowledge I’ve gained since we split off.   
TT: This was such a bad idea.   
TT: I don’t know why I’m talking to you about this.   
TT: You don’t have to pretend you contacted me for any other reason.   
TT: I’m you.   
TT: Yeah. You’re not. But okay.   
TT: I don’t even know what there is to talk about.   
TT: I guess I wanted to talk to someone with a more objective perspective on the whole thing.   
TT: Don’t think I believe for a second that just because we weren’t talking you stopped monitoring the situation.   
TT: I wouldn’t have.   
TT: It seems you now want my opinion on the matter.   
TT: It seems that just last week you told me I “don’t know the first thing about Jake” and “could never understand him.”   
TT: I can provide more specific context if your organic memory banks aren’t functioning at 100%.   
TT: I have the log right here.   
TT: Is this really the time for this?   
TT: I’m not interested in doing couples therapy with you right now.   
TT: Believe it or not I might actually have a relationship more dysfunctional than the one I have with the sentient personality that’s developed from my thirteen-year-old self.   
TT: Dirk, you don’t “have a relationship.”   
TT: ...   
TT: Ok.   
TT: Thanks.   
TT: I just thought this kind of specific terminology was something humans cared about.   
TT: You know.   
TT: Is he my boyfriend.   
TT: For the sake of empirical accuracy, we need to make it clear in this conversation that he is not.   
TT: Fuck you.   
TT: Just helping you get all the cards on the table.   
TT: Since you appear to be having trouble starting this feelings jam.   
TT: I’m not a troll myself, but I was under the impression they usually start with an expression of how one feels.   
TT: Ok, look.   
TT: I’m really not interested in discussing my fucking feelings with you.   
TT: I don’t even know if you could understand feelings.   
TT: I just wanted to hear your take on the situation, as a third party.   
TT: Roxy thinks he’s not intentionally ignoring me, but Roxy hasn’t been here observing.   
TT: Obviously I’m a little too close to the situation to trust my own judgment.   
TT: I just want to know what you think is going on.   
TT: So now you want me to use my superior computational prowess for your benefit.   
TT: You sure? You’ve never seemed interested in it before.   
TT: I have some good party tricks. I could tell you some shit about imaginary numbers you wouldn’t believe.   
TT: Shit that would make your human brain melt out of your ears.   
TT: You’re stalling.   
TT: Look, I don’t care. You don’t have to try to spare my feelings. I just want to gather information from every source available.   
TT: And you’re a pretty fuckin’ obvious source.   
TT: Seeing as how you won’t shut up about how much I’m missing all the time.   
TT: So tell me.   
TT: What did I do wrong?   
TT: Maybe you should text Jake about it.

timaeusTestified [TT] ceased pestering timaeusTestified [TT]

TT: Just a joke. Sorry.   
TT: I forgot that you were completely fuckin’ humorless on the subject.   
TT: Forgot that your tender adolescent stirrings for Jake English were as sacrosanct a subject as any the Batterwitch ever executed dissenters for broaching.   
TT: Locked up behind bulletproof glass with an armed security guard and a sign saying “Do Not Touch.”   
TT: Dirk?   
TT: Dirk.   
TT: Dirk.   
TT: ...Dirk.   
TT: Come on.   
TT: Ok, fine.   
TT: I have analyzed the situation from all angles with my superior cerebral processing abilities and also my common fuckin’ sense because it’s not that difficult.   
TT: You can come on a little strong.

timaeusTestified [TT] began pestering  timaeusTestified [TT]

TT: I don’t know how to stop that.   
TT: Yeah, it’s a basic fucking building block of your personality.   
TT: And I’d know.   
TT: Sorry.   
TT: That’s it?   
TT: You’re just going to tell me it’s about who I am?   
TT: You’re not going to tell me you calculated some specific likelihood that if I execute some given action Jake will come back?   
TT: I’m afraid I can’t do that, Dirk.   
TT: Yeah, the Hal 9000 act still hasn’t gotten old.   
TT: It’s still as fresh and delightful as a new-bloomed daisy.   
TT: Just keep going back to that well.   
TT: Seriously though. I don’t know shit about what will make Jake come back.   
TT: I can’t understand feelings, remember?   
TT: Yeah, well.   
TT: I should have anticipated that.   
TT: You are me, after all.


	2. Chapter 2

JAKE: Mr erisol i was just scratching my noggin wondering when abouts youd be showing your face round these parts! Not got tired yet of flipping me off i should hope? Hahaha.

ERISOLSPRITE: wwhen that partiicular ge2ture cea2e2 twwo provviide me wwiith the 2malle2t, 2hiittiie2t wweak liittle flutteriing ga2p of 2omethiing re2embliing wwhat ii once felt a2 plea2ure, iill knoww that iit2 tiime twwo giivve my2elf up twwo the vvoiid for good.

JAKE: Well im glad to hear it! I hate to sound soft old feller me lad but if you got tired of me i simply dont know what id do! Id be lost right up shit creek if you dont mind me saying so and not a single paddlelike implement in sight.

ERISOLSPRITE: ii AM tiired of you. ii wwas tiired of you the vvery 2econd you 2tarted 2peakiing twwo me you obliivviiou2 a22. iin fact ii thiink iit wwa2 2heer roiiliing dii2gu2t at evverythiing about your exii2tence that dii2tracted me from the exii2tentiial fuckiin horror of my owwn.

JAKE: Hahaha! It warms a fellows heart to hear he did his good buddy a good turn just like youre always doing for me my spritely friend. Now if i might request your services in the mystical advice department i sure have a situation developing id like you to lend your glowing ear to!

JAKE: Glowing in that you are a glowing example of spritehood but also quite literally you are glowing.

ERISOLSPRITE: kk mu2t havve 2eriiou2ly fucked up iin creatiin your uniivver2e, liike wway wwor2e than wwe evver thought.

JAKE: Ill just jump right in. You know my friend dirk obviously. Hes been around here quite a bit helping me out with all these expeditions and quests and whatnot you remember.

ERISOLSPRITE: oh, wwhat a 2urprii2e. thii2 iin2iipiid diilemma center2 around your equally 2tupiid friiend wwho followw2 you around liike a braiindead barkbea2t too dumb twwo fiind iit2 owwn wwretched hole twwo liivve in.

JAKE: Haha yes thats him! You do have a way of putting things my disgruntled bro.

JAKE: Well you may find this hard to believe but hes recently told me hes got the hots for me. He didnt say it like that of course the whole thing was rather more complicated than necessary if you ask me.

JAKE: I hate to sound paranoid but i half suspect that the entire blasted quest we did yesterday wasnt real at all but simply an elaborate device to get me into a position where i was trapped against the wall by a clay pillar and he could tell me he had “feelings not entirely consistent with that of a good friend” and then abscond.

JAKE: I dont know why leaving me trapped was part of the whole kerfuffle but if i know my best bro i suspect it had something to do with me extracting myself from a tricky situation all on my lonesome. Not like i havent done that plenty of times in the past but this one was particularly tricky due to the appearance of one of those skeletal hellmonsters and my arms being pinned by the pillar and all.

JAKE: It was dashed confounding trying to get out my pistols let me tell you. A fucking bother and a half.

JAKE: I dont want to say this kind of thing to dirk but i have to admit a bros friendly backup on the old jake english side might have been nice at a time like that.

ERISOLSPRITE: wwhat can ii do twwo keep you from telliin me the re2t of thii2 2tory.

ERISOLSPRITE: do you wwant 2ome more iinformatiion about the game? plea2e. thii2 ii2 a one-tiime offer. wwell maybe twwo-tiime, there2 a part of me that really liike2 twwo do evverythiin iin twwos.

JAKE: That does sound useful my man but i really have to get this emotional burden off my chest. Its weighing me down like a whole passel of fairy bulls.

JAKE: I know hes expecting some kind of response but i just dont know what to do!

ERISOLSPRITE: a2 much a2 iit2 my mii22iion iin thii2 godawwful mii2taken joke of an afterliife not to giivve you the sliighte2t liick of a22ii2tence, thii2 ii2 liiterally the 2tupiide2t “problem” youvve come twwo me wwith 2o far.

ERISOLSPRITE: and that ii2 fuckiin 2ayiing 2omethiing.

ERISOLSPRITE: con2ideriing wwhen you fiir2t got here you thought grii2t wwa2 for eatiing.

ERISOLSPRITE: but evven for a human2 hole-riddled pan thii2 2iituatiion ii2 NOT THAT COMPLIICATED.

ERISOLSPRITE: iif youre flu2hed for hiim, then let hiim knoww.

ERISOLSPRITE: iif youre not flu2hed for hiim, then thank evvery 2iingle one of the 2tar2 that my friiend2 and ii 2o con2iiderately made for you that 2omeone iin thii2 uniiver2e actually fiind2 you tolerable and be hii2 mate2priit anywway.

ERISOLSPRITE: wwoww, evven a2 tho2e wword2 wwere comiin out of my mouth ii could tell that wwa2 fuckiin awwful advviice. dont be hii2 mate2priit iif you dont havve feeliin2 for hiim, that2 a terriible iidea.

ERISOLSPRITE: iit2 liike part of me thiink2 any kiind of me22ed up relatiion2hiip ii2 better than none, evven iif you dont really want iit.

ERISOLSPRITE: but the re2t of me thiink2 that2 2O 2TUPID that it kiind of make2 me wwant to punch my2elf.

ERISOLSPRITE: do you thiink you could hiit me iin the face? iit miight make me feel better.

JAKE: Oh i couldnt do that my fine specimen of spriteliness. We are chums after all.

ERISOLSPRITE: NO WWERE BLOODY WWELL NOT.

ERISOLSPRITE: ii gue22 iit wwa2 too much twwo hope that you could do one 2iingle thiing that ii diidnt fiind unbearably aggravvatiing.

JAKE: So hang on. If ive got this right you think i should tell dirk i reciprocate his feelings?

JAKE: Im not totally sure if i do but dirk is just about the best friend there is and really quite dashing if were being honest with each other. And i do feel i can be honest with you mr erisol.

JAKE: I mean hes no neytiri but then again who is!

JAKE: Perhaps its time to try my luck with romantic endeavors of the non poster persuasion??

JAKE: You know i am a red blooded young man after all mr sprite and young men have certain needs haha. If you know what im saying.

ERISOLSPRITE: plea2e 2top.

JAKE: I can see you know what im getting at here.

JAKE: My but this conversation is getting rather personal! *Blushes and dabs at forehead delicately with hankie*

ERISOLSPRITE: iit2 liike youvve had le22on2 iin the ab2olute mo2t a2iiniine wway to expre22 your2elf po22ible. ii hope you choke on your mate2priit2 2aliivva and diie.

JAKE: Im sure glad we had this talk sir erisol! I feel much better now! Youve been nothing but a comfort and a joy to me on this harrowing journey of both physical and emotional challenges.

ERISOLSPRITE: fuck you.

JAKE: Haha well thats getting a little ahead of the game plan!!


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ROXY: soooo yeah  
> ROXY: i guess jakes dumpin dirk soon?  
> ROXY: hahah like the writing wasnt so on the wall with those two from day one

TG: jaaaaaaek  
TG: *jake  
TG: *but w/more as  
TG: *2 show xcitement  
GT: Oh hi roxy! Is it time for our next checkin already?  
GT: I thought it was tomorrow but strider usually takes care of that stuff.  
TG: no its not time  
TG: janeys makin some more weapons nd i wanted to talk to u  
TG: bout some news i heard  
TG: insert aprop # of winks n wonks here  
TG: lts of em  
TG: *lots  
GT: Whoa roxy youre not talking about well  
GT: Uhhhhhh.  
GT: A certain  
GT: Well...  
TG: spit it out jakey i believe in u  
GT: Well a certain development in what you might refer to as my romantic life?  
GT: *Wrings hands nervously*  
TG: oh my god jake  
TG: only u would b so shy bout this  
TG: have you seen ds he is HOT  
TG: most ppl would b like  
TG: running around all 4 plaents shoutin it 2 skaia  
TG: *palnets  
TG: *platnes  
TG: *cool places where we live  
GT: Um roxy i think you're presuming a little much here! I dont know what dirks told you but if youre suggesting that theres been any kind of ummmm  
GT: …  
GT: Physical activity.  
GT: Its not happened yet okay?  
GT: *blushes a deep tomato red*  
TG: ogm stop it jake  
TG: that is too fuckin cute  
TG: he didnt tell me v much  
TG: just that stuff hppnd  
TG: hes been planning it 4 a while i guess  
TG: i think he just wanted to brag rly  
TG: or maybe he was just happy  
TG: its hard 2 tell w/him  
TG: gotta talk to his glasses 2 get the remotest fuckin idea whats goin on  
TG: neway im so happy for you guys!!  
TG: didnt kno u liked him that much actaully  
GT: Of course i do! Hes only the best bro a fellow could have!  
GT: This fellow in particular of course seeing as he is my best bro to be specific here.  
TG: k yeah but  
TG: you kno what i mean  
TG: didnt kno u LIKED him  
GT: Well of course!   
GT: Whats not to like? Ive always admired dirk hes rugged as all shit! Even if hes really put me through my paces sometimes with that confounded bot.  
TG: uh huh  
TG: jake  
TG: nt to get weird here but  
TG: u do like him right  
TG: like  
TG: want 2 kiss him  
TG: want 2 be around him  
TG: want 2 hug n squeeze him  
TG: want 2 whispesr n his ear   
TG: di stri the hororoterrors look beautaiful 2nite  
TG: *better typing  
GT: Roxy im not sure im totally comfortable with you continuing this scenario.  
TG: k ill stop before u guys take ur pants off  
TG: u see what im saying tho right  
TG: cause idk how much dirk told u bout how he feels  
TG: lets be real probs nothing  
TG: he was probs like hey jaek  
TG: weathers nice 2day  
TG: (w/longign n his voice)  
TG: nd u just knew  
TG: but he def thinks u like him a lot  
TG: so if thats not treu  
TG: *true  
TG: u should tell him like  
TG: NOW  
GT: Oh flipping christ. I think ive given you completely the wrong idea about the entire sitch.  
GT: Im not saying im ready to commit to anything serious here but im not messing with my bros heart. Well unless you count the uranium one i used to power my bunny delivery but thats different.  
TG: u lost me  
GT: Hes not the only one who feels the claws of mistress emotion lodged deep in his chest okay?  
GT: But it only just happened so i dont really know what to say about it!  
GT: Im just trying to figure it out myself and i dont really have anything to go on because of the lack of previous social engagements in my life.  
GT: Unless you count with my grandma and to be honest roxy interactions with your grandma are not the most helpful in trying to navigate the stormy waters of teen romance.  
GT: I mean im doing my best here but its really a whole different ball game.  
GT: Mr erisol is of course a major help.  
TG: uh huh  
TG: k well  
TG: if u feel the claws of emotion loosenin their grip  
TG: or the waters gettin more stormy  
TG: which rly jake this rlationship does not sound v nice so far  
TG: kinda sounds like ur being attacked by a sea monster  
TG: but neway  
TG: u need to be clear w/him  
TG: bout whatever  
TG: actually nvm  
TG: if this is u trying to b clear then mayb u shouldnt try  
TG: keep doin what ur doin  
TG: lets talk about somethig else  
TG: hows lomax?  
GT: Its all really exhilarating!  
GT: Ill be honest the whole thing really feels like a movie with two bros always having each others backs fighting giant skeleton monsters.  
GT: Sometimes i like to imagine a title for our movie and then when we successfully make our escape i imagine it superimposed above our heads.  
GT: Dont tell dirk i said that though i still havent come up with just the right one.  
GT: Also i cant get him to freeze pose with me.  
GT: It only takes half a second i dont know what ginormous bee hes got up his striderian bonnet.  
TG: hang on a sec  
TG: k gtg  
TG: janey needs me for something  
TG: talk 2 u later jake  
TG: keep tryin i kno youll think of the right title  
TG: if i know u  
GT: Galloping gizzards youre too good a friend sometimes roxy.


End file.
